Looking for feed back.

granthor

Hi gang did you miss me? lol Sorry for not being around much, I have been keeping tract of the game, while writing a book. I am just about done with the main guts of it, but I find myself heading my head on the wall over the opening. What I am looking for from anyone here is a little feed back, and yes I am getting it from other places too. Now don't think you will hurt my feels or anything like that. If I need to, I will junk this opening 100%, but again that's why I am looking o everyone's feed back. It might feel like a ripoff, or maybe too short, or too cheesy. Again why I am here to get feed back. lol So here it is, let me know your thoughts thanks ahead of time. Oh BTW, if you liked the short stories I posted on here, let me know that oo. I feel bad I left one hanging.

In a small, darkened, dull studio apartment sits a man named Greyson Hart. A social outcast who spends most of his free time inside away from the outside world. Things have been hard on him since his girlfriend dump him for who he thought was his good friend, and his job had layoffs due to new management. But life goes on and what my come he will deal with it all day by day. Things have not been so bad in his life, when he was six his family left England, where they moved to Boston. There, his father found employment as an accountant at the time. He had a happy life, finding friends in school and close to home. No one had a bad thing to say about him. As time went by, he took up drawing, something he was very good at, so much so it was at the level of fine art. Later, he found a love of video games. He loved the art style of it and began to make up his designs. So good were his plans he earned a scholarship to one of the better schools for computer arts. He enjoyed his time there, and then the time came when he graduated at seventeen. He was more advanced than others of his age and grew distant from them over the years. Based on and the recommendation of his teachers, his parents sent him to a more advanced school. In turn did not help his social life, making him an outcast with other students, so much so he became a loner.
At the age of twenty-one, he moved out on his own, working for different companies doing what he loved. If nothing else, he had a lot of free time on his hands, filled with playing various online games.
Nowadays, he spends most of his time holdup in his apartment, without a care as the world goes by outside. After the layoff, Greyson spends a lot of time online. When not looking for a new job, he surfs the web for generally news. He fights off being depressed, since the whole breakup with his girlfriend. Finding only his love for a pizza, dripping with cheese and lots of pepperoni, with a few soda cans next to it. If he can’t have the love of a person, then this will due for now.
In front of him flashes a computer screen, as websites and words flash before his eyes. He does a little more web surfing to pass the time. Not because he acted annoyed, but more like killing a short time waiting on his other friends to come online. Finally, a chat window opens on his screen as a message types out.

"Are you coming to the game or what? We are waiting for your login. Get your ass on here already! "

The chat window closes as fast as it appeared, as a smile now crosses his face. Then he looks to his left, and next to the screen, rests a helmet. Imagines flash on the screen while he takes a deep drink from the soda can. He tosses it away as the screen settles down, now pinking up another to drink. Then the words pop up on the screen, LINK READY, and he puts down his drink to take up the helmet. He fiddles with it a bit, turning on a back switch. Putting it on his head, now letting himself recline back in his chair. Now letting his body get completely extended to relax, as the helm buzzes and clicks a few times. With one word, login, he finds himself moving into a world of rainbow lights. A dizzying display of lights and colors pass his sight, and then the name welcome to Mist World from in front of him. He as sounds and music echoing in his mind.

Mist World is a multi-player sandbox game, set in a mixed worlds of magic and science, where you can do almost anything your mind can dream up. From the realms of science to the realms of simple magic, the player base were given a lot of freedom to interact as they seen fit. The only limits were to say within your realms of tech, as most players frowned on cross play between the realms.
When the game first came out, the primary market was only in North America. Then it went global and had accounts in the millions, but that was over fifteen years ago. Nowadays, it hardly has players over a few hundred thousand. Thanks to other games that have come out since then. Players moved on to the bigger and better games, but some stayed to help support the game and keep it running. So, with one last login, the man enters the game world.

Azherae

I was immersed enough, and I found nothing to dislike about it really (there's typos and grammar but that's editor stuff).

I didn't dislike the amount of framing or backstory, given the setting and the character's situation, there wouldn't necessarily have been a 'better way' to do all that.

I generally prefer openings where it 'starts within the action' and then gives me the backstory during the aftermath or lull, but it would depend on how long the action was. So if you have an 'ingame action sequence', the end of a raid or something, just before Greyson logs OFF instead of on, and put that at the front (and of course switch up that part) I might like it a bit better, but that's my style. To come down off the 'action high' into the backstory, to give the feeling of time passing in the mind/life of a character I already have a connection to. Don't know if that works for you.

I guess the last section would lose its place a bit if you did anything even slightly like this, I don't have any suggestions as to where to move it. Maybe chop it up and sprinkle it into the 'action part'.

But other than that I give what I consider to be the 'best praise' I can give to writing that I don't yet have a style 'marker' or 'comparison to writer's usual quality for'.

Immersion - yes. Dislikes - none. Would read more - probably.

granthor

Azherae wrote: »

I was immersed enough, and I found nothing to dislike about it really (there's typos and grammar but that's editor stuff).

I didn't dislike the amount of framing or backstory, given the setting and the character's situation, there wouldn't necessarily have been a 'better way' to do all that.

I generally prefer openings where it 'starts within the action' and then gives me the backstory during the aftermath or lull, but it would depend on how long the action was. So if you have an 'ingame action sequence', the end of a raid or something, just before Greyson logs OFF instead of on, and put that at the front (and of course switch up that part) I might like it a bit better, but that's my style. To come down off the 'action high' into the backstory, to give the feeling of time passing in the mind/life of a character I already have a connection to. Don't know if that works for you.

I guess the last section would lose its place a bit if you did anything even slightly like this, I don't have any suggestions as to where to move it. Maybe chop it up and sprinkle it into the 'action part'.

But other than that I give what I consider to be the 'best praise' I can give to writing that I don't yet have a style 'marker' or 'comparison to writer's usual quality for'.

Immersion - yes. Dislikes - none. Would read more - probably.

Hmmm, You know what that's a great idea. But mainly I was thinking of doing an action part like you're saying before the story begins. But I hear what you're saying. Maybe add a little action at the start, like the day before type of thing, right before he logs off. I will play around with it a bit tonight, see how it shapes out in my mind. Thx for the input.

Wandering Mist

Thread moved from Community Creations to General Discussion.

daveywavey

"In a small, darkened, dull studio apartment sits a man named Greyson Hart. A social outcast who spends most of his free time inside away from the outside world. Things have been hard on him since his girlfriend dump him for who he thought was his good friend, and his job had layoffs due to new management. But life goes on and what my come he will deal with it all day by day. Things have not been so bad in his life, when he was six his family left England, where they moved to Boston. There, his father found employment as an accountant at the time. He had a happy life, finding friends in school and close to home. No one had a bad thing to say about him. As time went by, he took up drawing, something he was very good at, so much so it was at the level of fine art. Later, he found a love of video games. He loved the art style of it and began to make up his designs. So good were his plans he earned a scholarship to one of the better schools for computer arts. He enjoyed his time there, and then the time came when he graduated at seventeen. He was more advanced than others of his age and grew distant from them over the years. Based on and the recommendation of his teachers, his parents sent him to a more advanced school. In turn did not help his social life, making him an outcast with other students, so much so he became a loner.
At the age of twenty-one, he moved out on his own, working for different companies doing what he loved. If nothing else, he had a lot of free time on his hands, filled with playing various online games.
Nowadays, he spends most of his time holdup in his apartment, without a care as the world goes by outside. After the layoff, Greyson spends a lot of time online. When not looking for a new job, he surfs the web for generally news. He fights off being depressed, since the whole breakup with his girlfriend. Finding only his love for a pizza, dripping with cheese and lots of pepperoni, with a few soda cans next to it. If he can’t have the love of a person, then this will due for now."

This bit feels more like you're telling someone the guy's background before they start reading the story, rather than being part of the story itself. Might be worth dripping in little bits of his bio throughout the story, rather than just whacking it all at the start. Let people discover more about him as they read.

Just strip it down to its basics.
For example:
"In a small, darkened, dull studio apartment sits a man named Greyson Hart. Despite the clutter filling every corner, it all seems empty. Empty of family, friends, life. A discarded work ID lies in the bin next to a pizza box stained with cheese and pepperoni."

Just keep re-wording it, stripping it back, working on it again and again. You'll get there.



Since we're doing the whole feedback thing, I'd be interested in any thoughts on mine: https://forums.ashesofcreation.com/discussion/49700/the-return

granthor

daveywavey wrote: »

"In a small, darkened, dull studio apartment sits a man named Greyson Hart. A social outcast who spends most of his free time inside away from the outside world. Things have been hard on him since his girlfriend dump him for who he thought was his good friend, and his job had layoffs due to new management. But life goes on and what my come he will deal with it all day by day. Things have not been so bad in his life, when he was six his family left England, where they moved to Boston. There, his father found employment as an accountant at the time. He had a happy life, finding friends in school and close to home. No one had a bad thing to say about him. As time went by, he took up drawing, something he was very good at, so much so it was at the level of fine art. Later, he found a love of video games. He loved the art style of it and began to make up his designs. So good were his plans he earned a scholarship to one of the better schools for computer arts. He enjoyed his time there, and then the time came when he graduated at seventeen. He was more advanced than others of his age and grew distant from them over the years. Based on and the recommendation of his teachers, his parents sent him to a more advanced school. In turn did not help his social life, making him an outcast with other students, so much so he became a loner.
At the age of twenty-one, he moved out on his own, working for different companies doing what he loved. If nothing else, he had a lot of free time on his hands, filled with playing various online games.
Nowadays, he spends most of his time holdup in his apartment, without a care as the world goes by outside. After the layoff, Greyson spends a lot of time online. When not looking for a new job, he surfs the web for generally news. He fights off being depressed, since the whole breakup with his girlfriend. Finding only his love for a pizza, dripping with cheese and lots of pepperoni, with a few soda cans next to it. If he can’t have the love of a person, then this will due for now."

This bit feels more like you're telling someone the guy's background before they start reading the story, rather than being part of the story itself. Might be worth dripping in little bits of his bio throughout the story, rather than just whacking it all at the start. Let people discover more about him as they read.

Just strip it down to its basics.
For example:
"In a small, darkened, dull studio apartment sits a man named Greyson Hart. Despite the clutter filling every corner, it all seems empty. Empty of family, friends, life. A discarded work ID lies in the bin next to a pizza box stained with cheese and pepperoni."

Just keep re-wording it, stripping it back, working on it again and again. You'll get there.



Since we're doing the whole feedback thing, I'd be interested in any thoughts on mine: https://forums.ashesofcreation.com/discussion/49700/the-return

That's a good point too. I keep reading that 1st part, and it doesn't feel right at all. But I am working it out in my head, plus doing a prologue to setup the book.