Day of the dead

ArchivedUserArchivedUser Guest
edited July 2018 in Fan Stories
"In that dread desert, beneath the moons' pale glaze, the dead men walk. They haunt the dunes in that breathless, windless night. They brandish their weapons in mocking challenge to all life, and sometimes in ghastly dry voices, like the rustling of sere leaves, they whisper the one word they remember from life, the name of their ancient, dark master. They whisper the name Nagash." 

In the year 109 CA long before the age of the explorers, the world was united. In this peace trade between the nations were commonplace and the world flourished. In this time of order and peace, those who sought to change the world in their own twisted image came from the dark depths of the underworld. The Enders.

 At first, they were just a nuisance to the cities, with small-scale fighting and protests which involved helping other nations. That change as quickly as they had arrived, soon they started riots and mass murder in streets in the names of their fell gods of carnage and destruction. 

In all but name, their cult had corrupted the minds of the common people and became the new state religion, yet the rulers said everything was fine, but deep down you could feel the tension growing and on that night the world as we knew it changed.

I was but an ordinary man living in a small village outside the walls of valysium. I had a wife and two beautiful daughters that were the spitting images of their mother. I made a living as a blacksmith in the village, and I knew everyone, not that it was hard, mind you. It was a small village consisting of around fifty people.

We had heard rumours of the chaos rising from the cities, but we did not heed the warnings of people escaping the city, If we hand. If I had maybe things would be different. 

On that night the air was heavy with the smoke from the new ruined city of valysium it was like hell had opened up and swallowed the city whole. I rushed to get my family thinking about the warnings we were given and how late it was. "get up we are leaving, grab as much foods and closes as you can" "what's wrong your scaring the children." I blanked her out focusing on grabbing as much as I could, under the bed was a box with a stamp of the royal army. Inside was an aged long sword that had been wrapped up in cloth it had seen use, but it was the only thing he had to defend his family.

"Hurry we must leave now before it's too late." Odd now that I think back on that I knew it was too late the moment the screaming started. I rushed my family out of the door and there I saw it the enders. Clad in raven black armour with blood and ash hanging from the recesses. One of the mad men charged me with a look of pure animal rage and swung I his sword towards my head, it was a clumsy swing, but the intent was clear he wanted blood.

For a moment time stopped, as the look of the man faced changed from rage to confusion and then his head hit the ground with a soft squelch. I had taken his head in one swing without hesitating. It was only when I heard the scream of my daughter that brought the world back into focus. Two of the cultist had grabbed my family and started to drag them away, in that split moment I rushed the two men and decapitated the one holding my daughter then used the momentum to thrust my word down into the man's heart.

All I remember after that was darkness and the feel of blood dripping from my head. I was hit from behind and knocked unconscious. When I awoke, I wished I had died. To be honest, on that night something did die, but it was not my life, but my humanity. 

"so you're awake then" the mocking voice stung my ears as I was awoken to the screams of the dead and dying. You have heart and strength stranger; we could use you in our new world order" The sadistic bastard looked at my family while licking his lips.

 "Of course you won't be needing them where you're going." and on that moment he nodded to his follower and one by one the villagers were slaughtered, people I knew and loved as family were killed before me without a second thought. The last words I heard were "Daddy save us." and in that instance, I felt a dull pain in my chest as the sword slid between the ribs.

I watched in the dirt as the village was set alight everything I knew was gone. Everyone I loved gone. I gathered all the strength I could and got up by the time I awoke they had left, but I cared not anymore. I would hunt them down and make them pay. 

I spent ten days out in that hell bleeding from my wound with nothing but the birds around me waiting for me to die. I had nothing left even my life was slowly being taken away from me, and on the eleventh day I collapsed in the sand and passed away thinking about seeing my family in the afterlife. By some sick joke, I was not even allowed that. I was brought back to the land of the living. 

Well, I hope you enjoyed that if you have any feedback please tell me so I can make changes to part two ^^


  • Pretty good mate, where are you from? Is English your first or second language? If it's your second, then that is even more amazing. If it's your first language, then I'd recommend you work hard on fixing your spelling or grammar. I'm a bit OCD about that and when I see a glaring error, it takes me out of the fantasy of what I'm reading. Perhaps use something like grammarly to help with your spelling and grammar! 
  • Yeah, it looks like I need to fix that. I was just so interesting in the back story that I started to speed type without checking as it breaks my flow. Well looks like I need to look back on it and start making adjustments. 
  • Very nice story, @nagash!  I liked your imagery, but to piggyback off of @xantham, if you were to clean up some of those grammatical errors, the flow of your story would go much smoother.  

    Looking forward to more!  Thanks, mate!
  • Haha, I can definitely understand getting interested in the backstory and rushing as a result. Another thing I see is pacing. The setup, tone, and development is good, but it feels clumped together, like a low frame rate during a game. Adding some more description about the setting, actions, and thoughts can smooth it out to make going from Point A and Point B more gradual. This can give the reader more time to become immersed. Hope this helps, looking forward to where the character goes. :blush:  
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