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Stabby McStabberface Goes to Work

Cock-a-doodle-doo! Crowed the rooster.

“But not for you!” Replied Stabby, as he threw a small dagger at the rooster seated on his window sill. The knife struck it right in the chest and it fell dead on the other side of the window.

Stabby McStabberface rose from his bed and pulled his hair out of his way as he headed outside to retrieve the poor bird. “Gotcha!” He exclaimed as he picked up the rooster. “You’re my breakfast now!” Stabby smiled and walked down to the river to wash his face and hands. When he was done cleaning up he sat down on a large rock to pluck the rooster.

When he arrived back home Stabby quickly butchered the rooster spatchcock style and set it to cook on a hastily built campfire. “Yum yum in my tum tum!” He said, and headed off into the woods. He stopped 20 meters away to did in the ground beneath a small red rock. There he uncovered a small wooden bucket and tossed in the rooster’s head and neck, as well as all the other bits he didn’t intend to eat.

“Phoooeey! Stinky!” He exclaimed, and closed the bucket and reburied it. “You’ll make great Bearwolf bait soon.“ He told the stinky bucket, and headed back home. When the rooster was cooked he ate it and tossed the bones into the fire so they wouldn’t attract critters. He walked back to the river to wash his hands.

“River, river, running free. What wondrous sights you must see.” Said Stabby, and began walking along the river towards a large statue of a woman. When he arrived he becrossed himself and uttered an ancient prayer silently in his head.

“Do you believe?” Asked a strange voice from a few feet away. Stabby was startled because he had had his eyes closed while he prayed. He instinctively clutched at the dagger in his sash.

“A man who does not believe lives half a life.” Replied Stabby. It was the traditional greeting and reply of the Verran religion.

“Ahh, good, good!” Said the stranger. “I can see that you are a man of great faith!” Stabby looked him over suspiciously. “There are so few these days. So few.” Said the man. Stabby said nothing.

“Look, I can tell you are a busy man. Let me cut to the chase.” Said the man. “I have here a one-of-a-kind item. A religious artifact as old as the wild.” From his robes he produced a small box which contained a few bones. “This is the index finger of Saint Pointilus. Patron saint of navigators. With this you will never be lost. It will point your way in fog, blinding snow, and even darkest night.”

Stabby had heard it all before. These traveling salesmen made a living preying on noobs. “Blah, blah, blah,” Said the man. Stabby wasn’t listening. When the man handed Stabby the holy relic for inspection he pretended to fumble with it and dropped it on the floor. “Oh!” Said the man. “Let me get that for you.”

When the man bent over to pick up the relic Stabby stabbed him in the head with his dagger. It sunk in surprisingly deep. It was like piercing a ripe melon. Perhaps the man had a soft skull.

On his body Stabby found, 17 Fake Finger of Pointilus, 4 Bottle of Holy Water, 28 Gold Embers, 1 Half-eaten Pear, 1 Small Bag of Assorted Gems.

“Meh.” Said Stabby and continued to walk along the river towards Toasterfell. He left the body where it lay.

Toasterfell was a burned out ruin of a city on the right bank of the Blood River. Local legend has it that the town was built so close to the river that when the river flooded all the houses flooded too. It was the Mayor’s toaster that fell into the flood water and started the electrical fire that burned down the town. No one knew if the story was true or could remember the real name of the town since it happened so long ago, but most people were happy with the explanation and called the ruins Toasterfell.

Stabby picked up a small twig and began poking through the rubble. Even though the fire happened long ago there were still metal things that could be found and sold to the dwarves at the smelter. Stabby found, 1 Melted Tea Pot, 6 Rusty Nails, 1 Toxic Waterbug.

“Find anything good yet?” Called Kermit. Kermit was Stabby’s friend. A Tulnar with the face and body of a frog except that he walked upright.

“Not much!” Replied Stabby and smiled at his friend. Kermit leveled his wooden staff at him. “You stay right there Stabby. You’re fine where you are!” Called Kermit. Kermit knew all about Stabby’s reputation and why he was called Stabby. His real name was Sam. Stabby just smiled.

“See you in town?” Asked Stabby.

“Yeah. Probably.” Replied Kermit. Kermit was married to a pig-faced woman. Also a Tulnar. But Stabby wasn’t one to judge. On this world, one found love where they could. “See ya then!” Called Stabby and returned to his diggings.

After Stabby had finished searching the ruins he headed in to town. Once there he entered the Hoof and Horn, a local tavern he frequented and approached the barkeep.

“Anyone giving you trouble Joel?” Asked Stabby. “No, not today. It’s been a quiet morning.” Replied the barkeep. Stabby and Joel had an agreement. Whenever anyone gave Joel or his staff a hard time Joel would point them out to Stabby so he could, uhm.. handle it. They split whatever loot Stabby cound harvest from their bodies.

“Try the Wooden Head. I heard tell there’s a guy there who found a Phoenix Feather.” Said Joel. “Oh yeah?” Said Stabby and plopped down this morning’s looted items on the bar. Joel picked through the items choosing what he wanted and leaving the rest then slid a handful of golden embers Stabby’s way. “Bring me that Phoenix Feather and I’ll give you 1000 times as much.” Said Joel. “Sources say the guy wears red armor.” Said Joel.

“I’m on it.” Replied Stabby and walked up the street to the Wooden Head Bar and Grill. It was just as quiet and empty as the Hoof and Horn had been.

“How may I help you?” Asked the bartender. “Nothing, thanks.” Replied. Stabby. “Mmm… Phoenix Feather?” Asked the bartender. “That was last week. Guy’s probably dead and gone by now. Looted no doubt. I haven’t seen him for days. Braggarts don’t last long. Should have kept his mouth shut about it.” Said the barkeeper. “Thanks,” said Stabby and placed his own looted items on the counter. The bartender picked through them and purchased a few. Stabby took the golden embers and put them in his pouch.

In the center of the town square was a public map of the city. Stabby stood next to it and greeted travelers. Stabby McStabberface was the docent in charge of the map. It was a boring job but it had it’s perks. Every once in a while he would direct someone to a dead end street where he could kill and loot them. Being an NPC didn’t pay much but he made it work.

The End.

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